so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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