I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
