If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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