Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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