also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
