I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
