Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
