so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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