dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
