this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
