Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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