pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
