oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
