the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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