i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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