i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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