Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
