There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
