I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
