I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize
