I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
