I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
