We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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