3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
