I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
