Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
