we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
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