true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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