he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i was born a porn star she said
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
