I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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