bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
