Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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