You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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