We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
