morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
