I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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