Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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