we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
