Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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