dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
