now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
