I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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