The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
