i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
