So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
