A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
