Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My life is pants optional.
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