You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
