On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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