it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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